Eat Your Brains: Coming Soon - Media Splatter for your Gray Matter

In order to make sure you are the best prepared Zombies out there and to ensure you're there at the Apocalypse happily eating brains with the rest of us; I will occasionally review various forms of human media and discuss what it can teach us in the way of things to do and not to do as a well tuned brain eating machine.

Look for the first installment soon!

(Yes, this will involve the box that you can't figure out how to get the tasty humans out of.)

I also fixed it so you can make comments now. So feel free.

Eat Your Brains: Un(dead)employment Office

So what's a Zombie to do to pass the time until the rest of the Zombie horde rises up and takes over the world? You'd rather not draw too much attention to yourself, lest you attract the attention of those ne'er-do-well hunters who'd be happy to put a bullet in your brain.

Surprisingly, the best way to hide amongst humans is to be around them where they are the most like humans: the Workplace!

I will cover several of the best jobs to hide in plain sight below:

1. Supermodel

Pros: Where better to hang out in public than surrounded by people who practically look like they're one of us already. No one in these circles is going to question your "new diet fad."

Cons: The potential for finding a decent meal at your place of work is going to be very slim.

2. Morgue Technician

Pros: No worries about taking your work home with you. Get the opportunity to blend in with the clientelle if things get a bit dodgy. Prankster Zombies can turn hiding in one of the corpse lockers from "Hahahaha You got me Frank!" into "AHHHHHH! You got me Frank!" at a moments notice.

Cons: You put yourself way to close to getting in a pine box, via an honest mistake or a bullet in the head.

3. Lab Assistant/Specimen

Pros: You don't feel pain, so no matter what they do to you, it won't hurt. If you're really lucky you'll get a crazed scientist who'll feed you without the hassle of having to go out hunting for youself and who knows maybe you'll get to become some kind of super zombie mutant. Also, everyone knows these science labs always go south at some point. Someone will slip up and it's high quality brains galore. Be sure to take care of your leftovers.

Cons: There's a high chance some loon with a firearm will be there too, just in case things get to be too much "fun." Can't have the Apocalypse happening on his watch. Jerk.


Well there you have it, some high and low profile ways to get out there and blend in with the masses, at least until we can make them masses of zombies.

Eat Your Brains: Mmm... Leftovers...

So you've gone out and done your Zombie thing and wreaked havoc at the old folks home. Congratulations and Bon(e) Appétit!

But wait, even after engorging yourself on eating brains to your heart's content you find you still have some left over. If you've decided you don't want to go the "friends" route, you're going to need to find a way to take your brains with you.

Seeing as you probably can't expect a tupperware salesman to come knocking on your door (more than once if you're on top of things, mainly on top of him, chowing down, making more leftovers) you're going to need to take a survey of what you have around you.

We have to admit Zombie motor skills are iffy at best, so anything above simple containers is out. You could try your pockets, but those are probably ripped, and who wants other Zombie's coming along sniffing at your pockets? I mean really.

We're going to have to get creative. Where better to keep extra brains than precisely where they'll end up anyways: inside you. Let's be honest, I don't think you even used that spleen when you were human, so you definately do need it when your the walking dead. Rip that sucker out and shove those tasty brains in there for later.

Now if we're trying to keep it as simple as possible, let's not forget that brains already come in a pretty handy carrying case. It's just getting it separated from the pesky human's body. If you succeed in detaching the head, way to go! You've got the perfect accessory for a Zombie on the go, meandering aimlessly, groaning your delight at having a spare brain in the palm of you hand.

Of course, make sure you don't wait too long to finish up your meal. You don't want it spoiling, or worse turning. The last thing you need is another mouth to feed. Or head technically. But I guess that might help with all those leftovers...

Eat Your Brains: Livingly Challenged...

I am sad to say some Zombies do not pass over into life as undead "intact". Whereas some of the lucky ones just get a small nibble and go on their merry little way with all their limbs attached, others often aren't quite so lucky.

Generally, it comes down to you missing appendage or another. But don't fret, I've got some advice for you that won't cost you that missing arm or leg.

Legs:

The really positive thing here is that for the most part, humans already had the ability to out run you. You haven't lost much in that regard, just a couple of steps on them, or 3... or 4... or all of them really. But not all hope is lost. The great thing about being undead and missing pieces is that you look more dead than normal! Sure you can't just hop up and chase some tasty brains down, but you *can* just lay there and wait for them to unsuspectingly meander by that already dead "body." Feel free to surround yourself with a pool of blood for effect and let the ankle biting begin!

Honestly, having no legs is every lazy Zombie's dream.

Arms:

Having no arms is a bit of a drag (whereas having no feet involves getting dragged), just concentrate on constantly operating your choppers and keeping your balance. If you go down with no arms, you might have to rely on the no legs strategy for a while. Missing one arm presents numerous opportunities. Not the least of which is using your own arm as a weapon. Nothing is more disheartening to a soon to be eaten human than getting pummeled with one your detached body parts. Unless of course it's getting pummeled with one of his detached body parts.

Either way, regardless of what limbs you may or may not have, you too can become a successful brain chomper. Just don't go out there and lose your head.

Eat Your Brains: We get by with a little help...

As delicious as it sounds to keep all the brains you come by for yourself, I'm afraid there may not be that many if you go it alone. Especially if you run across a group of humans. There is strength in numbers.

So while I know it may be hard to keep from chowing on all that available gray matter, try to remember leave a couple with just a bite or two so you can get a group of followers to help you out.

What can you do with a bunch of Zombie followers besides have to share your brains with them? Having extra undead around provides many advantages.

First, remember the 'Back them into a corner' strategy I mentioned in the previous post? That goes much smoother with extra warm, well cold, bodies helping with the herding.

And let's suppose you run into some nasty humans that have gone and armed themselves. All those friends you've made can go scout ahead and check if the coast is clear and be especially helpful in relieving your prey of its ammo.

I'm not saying I want to use our brethren as moving targets exclusively. I mean we all want our side to win this thing. We can remember our fallen comrades by using broken appendages as blunt instruments to subdue those that fell them.

Personally, I'm always looking for new followers. And I know what I just said about using other zombies as meat shields, but I would never ever do that to any of my companions.

Say, would you mind standing just a couple steps to the left, yes right there between me and that house over there. Perfect!

Eat Your Brains: A brain is a terrible thing to waste...

So I'm sure you're thinking: Man am I hungry, Zed! And who could blame you, you've got an eternity's worth of appetite to fill. But what is the best way to get at what you most desire?

Brains.

This doesn't have to be a complicated process, just find a human and start chewing. I find the best direction of assault is from behind, so they don't see you shuffling aimlessly their way. Once you've found said victim there are several ways to get at that gray stuff you all know and love.


1. Headshot (not the bad kind). If you've retained some of your fine motor skills feel free to use a blunt or edged implement to get right to the heart (or the brain) of the matter. Nothing gets you to dinner quicker than a sudden blow to a human's head.

2. Back them into a corner. If you (and your zombie friends if you're hosting a dinner party or the like) have to take the frontal approach to frontal lobe treats, it's always good to surround your prey with impending doom. Once all hope is lost for them, feeding time is found for you.

3. Take 'em down. One of the most pesky things about humans is their ability to out run you if you're of the slow moving variety of Zombies. So the best thing to do is take them by surprise (from behind!) and get them on the ground. Once you get them horizontal, you take away their best defense and get to go on the offense.

Now that you've got your brain, you may think which is the best part of the brain to eat? The medula oblongata? Perhaps the pons or the brain stem? Frontal lobe the way to go? I've provided a diagram to lead you in the right direction for this quandry.

Fig. 1:




So there you go. Just remember, "When your teeth hit bone, you're halfway home!"

Eat Your Brains: So you've gone and gotten yourself bitten...

Let me be the first to say.. Congrats! You're going to be on the winning end of this whole "last battle" thing. Of course what's left of the other side isn't going to just roll over and die, well not without help from us.

Now wait, why the glum face? Careful or it'll get stuck like that. I know I'm not your mom, but seriously: Rigormortis. You can't strike fear into the heart of all those delicious humans with that dour expression.

Quit acting like it's the end of the world! Well... I mean, technically it is kind of the end of the world, or will be soon, once everyone else is turned or better yet eaten. But I'm getting ahead of myself, things are just beginning for you. So chin up Zombie!

Oh no, not really, you don't want to get stuck like that. Remember - Rigormortis. Yikes.