Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie - Vol 1

It's time for Ask a Zombie!

Got my first questions today from "scarfmonsters". I'm not sure if that means they're monsters that wear scarves or eat scarves. Either way, I think a good partnership could be worked out here. They could grab humans by their scarves and hold them still while I eat their brains.

Then they can do whatever sick and twisted (and probably gross) thing they do to scarves with no more struggling. Hey and I bet they even get free blood stains on them too. Definitely win-win.

But enough delay! On to the questions:

Question 1

Dear Zed,

Do Zombies like The Gilmore Girls?

Well I can't speak for all Zombies, but I can personally answer a resounding YES! One of my favorite things to do is have all my girlfriends come over for a big Gilmore Girl marathon! Once they get inside, I like to lock the door behind them, you know, so no stupid boys can come in and interrupt us while we're watching.

And then once we get into it I like to start a little game. It goes like this:

Anytime Lorelai or Rory drink some coffee I eat someone's brain.

Whenever Lorelai or Rory eat Mallomars or other junk food I eat someone's brain.

When someone speaks in a string of run on sentences I eat someone's brains.


Sadly we usually don't make it more than a couple episodes. Everyone just gets, uh, tired. Speaking of which, I need to round up some more girlfriends.

Question 2

Dear Zed,

Do Zombies have eating disorders?

Sadly, the answer to this very serious question is yes. Eating disorders are no joke. I couldn't tell you how many malnourished Zombies are out there because their lower jaws have been shot off, or most of their teeth are missing or some other human caused calamity.

This is an Epidemic people! Well besides the fact that Zombies were possibly caused by an Epidemic. So please, do what you can to help these poor unfortunate souls. Put down your weapons, unlock your doors, and lean your head ever so slightly to the right.

Thanks!

Keep those questions coming! I'll do my best to get to them all!

askazombie@hotmail.com

Eat Your Brains: Un(dead)employment Office

So what's a Zombie to do to pass the time until the rest of the Zombie horde rises up and takes over the world? You'd rather not draw too much attention to yourself, lest you attract the attention of those ne'er-do-well hunters who'd be happy to put a bullet in your brain.

Surprisingly, the best way to hide amongst humans is to be around them where they are the most like humans: the Workplace!

I will cover several of the best jobs to hide in plain sight below:

1. Supermodel

Pros: Where better to hang out in public than surrounded by people who practically look like they're one of us already. No one in these circles is going to question your "new diet fad."

Cons: The potential for finding a decent meal at your place of work is going to be very slim.

2. Morgue Technician

Pros: No worries about taking your work home with you. Get the opportunity to blend in with the clientelle if things get a bit dodgy. Prankster Zombies can turn hiding in one of the corpse lockers from "Hahahaha You got me Frank!" into "AHHHHHH! You got me Frank!" at a moments notice.

Cons: You put yourself way to close to getting in a pine box, via an honest mistake or a bullet in the head.

3. Lab Assistant/Specimen

Pros: You don't feel pain, so no matter what they do to you, it won't hurt. If you're really lucky you'll get a crazed scientist who'll feed you without the hassle of having to go out hunting for youself and who knows maybe you'll get to become some kind of super zombie mutant. Also, everyone knows these science labs always go south at some point. Someone will slip up and it's high quality brains galore. Be sure to take care of your leftovers.

Cons: There's a high chance some loon with a firearm will be there too, just in case things get to be too much "fun." Can't have the Apocalypse happening on his watch. Jerk.


Well there you have it, some high and low profile ways to get out there and blend in with the masses, at least until we can make them masses of zombies.

Eat Your Brains: Mmm... Leftovers...

So you've gone out and done your Zombie thing and wreaked havoc at the old folks home. Congratulations and Bon(e) Appétit!

But wait, even after engorging yourself on eating brains to your heart's content you find you still have some left over. If you've decided you don't want to go the "friends" route, you're going to need to find a way to take your brains with you.

Seeing as you probably can't expect a tupperware salesman to come knocking on your door (more than once if you're on top of things, mainly on top of him, chowing down, making more leftovers) you're going to need to take a survey of what you have around you.

We have to admit Zombie motor skills are iffy at best, so anything above simple containers is out. You could try your pockets, but those are probably ripped, and who wants other Zombie's coming along sniffing at your pockets? I mean really.

We're going to have to get creative. Where better to keep extra brains than precisely where they'll end up anyways: inside you. Let's be honest, I don't think you even used that spleen when you were human, so you definately do need it when your the walking dead. Rip that sucker out and shove those tasty brains in there for later.

Now if we're trying to keep it as simple as possible, let's not forget that brains already come in a pretty handy carrying case. It's just getting it separated from the pesky human's body. If you succeed in detaching the head, way to go! You've got the perfect accessory for a Zombie on the go, meandering aimlessly, groaning your delight at having a spare brain in the palm of you hand.

Of course, make sure you don't wait too long to finish up your meal. You don't want it spoiling, or worse turning. The last thing you need is another mouth to feed. Or head technically. But I guess that might help with all those leftovers...

Eat Your Brains: A brain is a terrible thing to waste...

So I'm sure you're thinking: Man am I hungry, Zed! And who could blame you, you've got an eternity's worth of appetite to fill. But what is the best way to get at what you most desire?

Brains.

This doesn't have to be a complicated process, just find a human and start chewing. I find the best direction of assault is from behind, so they don't see you shuffling aimlessly their way. Once you've found said victim there are several ways to get at that gray stuff you all know and love.


1. Headshot (not the bad kind). If you've retained some of your fine motor skills feel free to use a blunt or edged implement to get right to the heart (or the brain) of the matter. Nothing gets you to dinner quicker than a sudden blow to a human's head.

2. Back them into a corner. If you (and your zombie friends if you're hosting a dinner party or the like) have to take the frontal approach to frontal lobe treats, it's always good to surround your prey with impending doom. Once all hope is lost for them, feeding time is found for you.

3. Take 'em down. One of the most pesky things about humans is their ability to out run you if you're of the slow moving variety of Zombies. So the best thing to do is take them by surprise (from behind!) and get them on the ground. Once you get them horizontal, you take away their best defense and get to go on the offense.

Now that you've got your brain, you may think which is the best part of the brain to eat? The medula oblongata? Perhaps the pons or the brain stem? Frontal lobe the way to go? I've provided a diagram to lead you in the right direction for this quandry.

Fig. 1:




So there you go. Just remember, "When your teeth hit bone, you're halfway home!"