Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie - Vol 2

This edition of Ask as Zombie comes from Brie (not the cheese) from Wisconsin dairy land. Are we sure she's not the cheese? She asks a food related question:

Hey Zed,

I'm a pretty good cook and I was wondering if there was something else Zombies will eat besides brains that I can use to distract the Zombies from eating my brains, like delicious bacon?


This is an astute collection. And despite opinions to the contrary there is something you can eat to repel Zombies. Now my fellow legions of undead may get angry as I "reveal" the secrets, but I offered to help humans and Zombies alike, so I must do my solemn duty.

Just as the vampire hates garlic, Zombies have a particular abhorrence to a subset of grub: fatty foods. That's right the higher the calories, the more we hate them. You should just eat all the fatty, high carb, low nutrient food stuffs you can get your hands on. Junk food: Hate it!

To be safe, you should constantly be stuffing your gullet with all kinds of fatty foods. And while you're at it, I would quit any kind of exercise program you might be doing it.

Let me tell you that there is nothing that will get rid of Zombies at your door quicker than to see an overweight slow moving out of shape human plodding away from them.

Hope that helps! If you'd like I'd be happy to send some Hostess products your way. Feel free to respond back with your personal address and the times when you're least productive, like sleeping, so I know... when not to come by because I'd hate to be repelled by your lack of energy and not give you delicious cakes. Yeah.


That's it for this edition of "Ask a Zombie", feel free to sent your questions / comments by clicking the Contact link on the left. I've gotten some feedback on the codes not working right when trying to submit. If you have that problem, leave me a comment and I'll work on finding a better solution. In the meantime, I've heard refreshing will eventually get it to work. Until next time!

Eat Your Brains: Mmm... Leftovers...

So you've gone out and done your Zombie thing and wreaked havoc at the old folks home. Congratulations and Bon(e) Appétit!

But wait, even after engorging yourself on eating brains to your heart's content you find you still have some left over. If you've decided you don't want to go the "friends" route, you're going to need to find a way to take your brains with you.

Seeing as you probably can't expect a tupperware salesman to come knocking on your door (more than once if you're on top of things, mainly on top of him, chowing down, making more leftovers) you're going to need to take a survey of what you have around you.

We have to admit Zombie motor skills are iffy at best, so anything above simple containers is out. You could try your pockets, but those are probably ripped, and who wants other Zombie's coming along sniffing at your pockets? I mean really.

We're going to have to get creative. Where better to keep extra brains than precisely where they'll end up anyways: inside you. Let's be honest, I don't think you even used that spleen when you were human, so you definately do need it when your the walking dead. Rip that sucker out and shove those tasty brains in there for later.

Now if we're trying to keep it as simple as possible, let's not forget that brains already come in a pretty handy carrying case. It's just getting it separated from the pesky human's body. If you succeed in detaching the head, way to go! You've got the perfect accessory for a Zombie on the go, meandering aimlessly, groaning your delight at having a spare brain in the palm of you hand.

Of course, make sure you don't wait too long to finish up your meal. You don't want it spoiling, or worse turning. The last thing you need is another mouth to feed. Or head technically. But I guess that might help with all those leftovers...

Eat Your Brains: A brain is a terrible thing to waste...

So I'm sure you're thinking: Man am I hungry, Zed! And who could blame you, you've got an eternity's worth of appetite to fill. But what is the best way to get at what you most desire?

Brains.

This doesn't have to be a complicated process, just find a human and start chewing. I find the best direction of assault is from behind, so they don't see you shuffling aimlessly their way. Once you've found said victim there are several ways to get at that gray stuff you all know and love.


1. Headshot (not the bad kind). If you've retained some of your fine motor skills feel free to use a blunt or edged implement to get right to the heart (or the brain) of the matter. Nothing gets you to dinner quicker than a sudden blow to a human's head.

2. Back them into a corner. If you (and your zombie friends if you're hosting a dinner party or the like) have to take the frontal approach to frontal lobe treats, it's always good to surround your prey with impending doom. Once all hope is lost for them, feeding time is found for you.

3. Take 'em down. One of the most pesky things about humans is their ability to out run you if you're of the slow moving variety of Zombies. So the best thing to do is take them by surprise (from behind!) and get them on the ground. Once you get them horizontal, you take away their best defense and get to go on the offense.

Now that you've got your brain, you may think which is the best part of the brain to eat? The medula oblongata? Perhaps the pons or the brain stem? Frontal lobe the way to go? I've provided a diagram to lead you in the right direction for this quandry.

Fig. 1:




So there you go. Just remember, "When your teeth hit bone, you're halfway home!"