Eat Your Brains: Hate Thy Neighbor

So you've gone and gotten yourself a nice setup going. Plenty of panicky, defenseless humans to grab with tasty brains to eat. And then some other Alpha Zombie moves in on your turf. No big deal right? There's loads gray matter to go round for everyone. But not for this guy, he's constantly hounding your prized old folks home. You were saving that geezer in room 1301 for a special occasion! You've tried reasoning with this guy, but he just won't listen. I mean what's his deal? It's not like he's some mindless, crazed being who's every thought craves brains.

Oh, right...

So you're going to have to take a different approach to rid yourself of this zombie pest. Here are some helpful Do's and Don'ts in your quest:


Do use Chivalry

Chivalry, my friends, is not dead. In fact it is very undead. Be
sure to accompany your unwanted friend when he hunts and do nice things like open the door for him and insist he goes in first. Don't take no for an answer. If all goes well that human on the otherside will unload at the first thing that walks through the door, eliminating your problem, and hopefully the human's ammunition. Win - win.

Don't take matters into your own hands

Zombies are hard enough to kill for humans with all their intact reflexes and whatnot. Beside that, one of the best things about being a Zombie is the fact that you can't feel pain and you're nigh on unstoppable except for a good shot to the noggin. Do you really want to fight someone just as impervious as you are? As tempting as it might be to bump this Zombie nuisance off yourself, it's just bad form, and not that easy to pull off.

Do play practical jokes

This is one of those instances to use a little something we learned
from our first Media Splatter Sprinkle a few heads of Cauliflower over in that field near the military base and then groan about all the free brains littered about nearby. Let your friend go be all he can be all over the field

Don't alert the authorities

As tempting as it might be to set off that burgler alarm while your Zombie nemesis is inside that big old house, bringing a load of armed people to your vicinity is never a good idea. Sure maybe he gets his in the end, but you might get yours in the head.

Hopefully, your run-ins with this situation will be few and far between, after all we need to remember who the real enemy is here: humans with helmets.

Eat Your Brains: Site Update!

To make it a bit easier for you to get in touch with me I've added a handy "Contact Me" thing over on the right side under the archives.

Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie - Vol 1

It's time for Ask a Zombie!

Got my first questions today from "scarfmonsters". I'm not sure if that means they're monsters that wear scarves or eat scarves. Either way, I think a good partnership could be worked out here. They could grab humans by their scarves and hold them still while I eat their brains.

Then they can do whatever sick and twisted (and probably gross) thing they do to scarves with no more struggling. Hey and I bet they even get free blood stains on them too. Definitely win-win.

But enough delay! On to the questions:

Question 1

Dear Zed,

Do Zombies like The Gilmore Girls?

Well I can't speak for all Zombies, but I can personally answer a resounding YES! One of my favorite things to do is have all my girlfriends come over for a big Gilmore Girl marathon! Once they get inside, I like to lock the door behind them, you know, so no stupid boys can come in and interrupt us while we're watching.

And then once we get into it I like to start a little game. It goes like this:

Anytime Lorelai or Rory drink some coffee I eat someone's brain.

Whenever Lorelai or Rory eat Mallomars or other junk food I eat someone's brain.

When someone speaks in a string of run on sentences I eat someone's brains.


Sadly we usually don't make it more than a couple episodes. Everyone just gets, uh, tired. Speaking of which, I need to round up some more girlfriends.

Question 2

Dear Zed,

Do Zombies have eating disorders?

Sadly, the answer to this very serious question is yes. Eating disorders are no joke. I couldn't tell you how many malnourished Zombies are out there because their lower jaws have been shot off, or most of their teeth are missing or some other human caused calamity.

This is an Epidemic people! Well besides the fact that Zombies were possibly caused by an Epidemic. So please, do what you can to help these poor unfortunate souls. Put down your weapons, unlock your doors, and lean your head ever so slightly to the right.

Thanks!

Keep those questions coming! I'll do my best to get to them all!

askazombie@hotmail.com

Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie!

I've gotten a couple of questions so I thought maybe I would open the floor to some questions. Feel free to ask anything you like and maybe your question will show up here.

Just keep mashing at the keyboard until you get 'askazombie@hotmail.com' to come up and your question will get right to me. It'd help if you put "Ask a Zombie" in the subject line, because while I do like a certain meat in it's own jelly, SPAM is not the one I crave.

Any humans out there can feel free to submit to your inevitable demise and hand over your brains questions as well. Be sure to include your home address, when you like to sleep, where you hide any weapons and the emergency key for your house in your correspondence. So, uh, I can be thorough in my response.

Yep, that's what I'm going with there.

Eat Your Brains: Media Splatter - Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

A little later than indicated, but here it is - the first Media Splatter for your Gray Matter.

The book is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. As best as I can tell it's an historical look how our ancestor zombies tried to eat the brains of a bunch of prim and proper English ninnies. While it can be difficult to get through at times, the pictures and zombie attacks throughout help keep this moving along.

Things to learn from this book:

1. Do not underestimate female humans. Sure they're supposed to be the weaker sex, but you take one for granted as easy picking and you'll find yourself without a head before you know it. Maybe most of them will be nothing more than high-pitched meals, but make sure you handle them with care, at least until you crack that head open.

2. Cauliflower is evil. Beware for traps that may involve cauliflower as brain substitues. This is especially important to you zombies with no eyes and go by feeling your way around. I hope you still have your nose, because we all know nothing smells like fresh brains.

Book bonus:

30 dead ninjas. Yeah, and there are even some pictures of dead ninjas to drool over too!

Ultimately, I can't give this book two thumbs up, well because I'm missing one, but more to the point, the humans survive in this book. That's totally unrealistic. Now if you'll excuse me I have some brains to eat.