Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie - Vol 2

This edition of Ask as Zombie comes from Brie (not the cheese) from Wisconsin dairy land. Are we sure she's not the cheese? She asks a food related question:

Hey Zed,

I'm a pretty good cook and I was wondering if there was something else Zombies will eat besides brains that I can use to distract the Zombies from eating my brains, like delicious bacon?


This is an astute collection. And despite opinions to the contrary there is something you can eat to repel Zombies. Now my fellow legions of undead may get angry as I "reveal" the secrets, but I offered to help humans and Zombies alike, so I must do my solemn duty.

Just as the vampire hates garlic, Zombies have a particular abhorrence to a subset of grub: fatty foods. That's right the higher the calories, the more we hate them. You should just eat all the fatty, high carb, low nutrient food stuffs you can get your hands on. Junk food: Hate it!

To be safe, you should constantly be stuffing your gullet with all kinds of fatty foods. And while you're at it, I would quit any kind of exercise program you might be doing it.

Let me tell you that there is nothing that will get rid of Zombies at your door quicker than to see an overweight slow moving out of shape human plodding away from them.

Hope that helps! If you'd like I'd be happy to send some Hostess products your way. Feel free to respond back with your personal address and the times when you're least productive, like sleeping, so I know... when not to come by because I'd hate to be repelled by your lack of energy and not give you delicious cakes. Yeah.


That's it for this edition of "Ask a Zombie", feel free to sent your questions / comments by clicking the Contact link on the left. I've gotten some feedback on the codes not working right when trying to submit. If you have that problem, leave me a comment and I'll work on finding a better solution. In the meantime, I've heard refreshing will eventually get it to work. Until next time!

Eat Your Brains: Media Splatter - Fido

This edition of Media Splatter for your Gray Matter involves one of the scariest things I've ever seen in my entire unlife: Fido



I cannot begin to explain how much this movie freaked me out. I mean the entire premise is based on the fact that the Zombie horde has been surpressed and either locked out of cities or, I can barely bring myself to say it...

Domesticated.

I know! It blew my mind! Well not literally, but that'd be about the only thing I could imagine being worse.

So this family living in the "safe zone" gets a pet zombie and something goes wrong with it's control collar and it kills somebody.

I'm thinking, finally, this is about to get real, but no! It gets FEELINGS for it's human owners. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I found it hard to even find something to take away from this movie beside all that is wrong with humanity. Domesticated Zombies. I mean really.

I'd almost prefer a bullet in the head. Almost. I guess the thing to take away from this horror flick is that if for some terrible, terrible reason you find yourself in this situation, just bide your time.

Human's always get complacent, you'll get your chance sooner or later. It's not like your going to die. Though I'd rather do that then end up like Tammy the love slave Zombie.

*shudders*

Eat Your Brains: Hate Thy Neighbor

So you've gone and gotten yourself a nice setup going. Plenty of panicky, defenseless humans to grab with tasty brains to eat. And then some other Alpha Zombie moves in on your turf. No big deal right? There's loads gray matter to go round for everyone. But not for this guy, he's constantly hounding your prized old folks home. You were saving that geezer in room 1301 for a special occasion! You've tried reasoning with this guy, but he just won't listen. I mean what's his deal? It's not like he's some mindless, crazed being who's every thought craves brains.

Oh, right...

So you're going to have to take a different approach to rid yourself of this zombie pest. Here are some helpful Do's and Don'ts in your quest:


Do use Chivalry

Chivalry, my friends, is not dead. In fact it is very undead. Be
sure to accompany your unwanted friend when he hunts and do nice things like open the door for him and insist he goes in first. Don't take no for an answer. If all goes well that human on the otherside will unload at the first thing that walks through the door, eliminating your problem, and hopefully the human's ammunition. Win - win.

Don't take matters into your own hands

Zombies are hard enough to kill for humans with all their intact reflexes and whatnot. Beside that, one of the best things about being a Zombie is the fact that you can't feel pain and you're nigh on unstoppable except for a good shot to the noggin. Do you really want to fight someone just as impervious as you are? As tempting as it might be to bump this Zombie nuisance off yourself, it's just bad form, and not that easy to pull off.

Do play practical jokes

This is one of those instances to use a little something we learned
from our first Media Splatter Sprinkle a few heads of Cauliflower over in that field near the military base and then groan about all the free brains littered about nearby. Let your friend go be all he can be all over the field

Don't alert the authorities

As tempting as it might be to set off that burgler alarm while your Zombie nemesis is inside that big old house, bringing a load of armed people to your vicinity is never a good idea. Sure maybe he gets his in the end, but you might get yours in the head.

Hopefully, your run-ins with this situation will be few and far between, after all we need to remember who the real enemy is here: humans with helmets.

Eat Your Brains: Site Update!

To make it a bit easier for you to get in touch with me I've added a handy "Contact Me" thing over on the right side under the archives.

Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie - Vol 1

It's time for Ask a Zombie!

Got my first questions today from "scarfmonsters". I'm not sure if that means they're monsters that wear scarves or eat scarves. Either way, I think a good partnership could be worked out here. They could grab humans by their scarves and hold them still while I eat their brains.

Then they can do whatever sick and twisted (and probably gross) thing they do to scarves with no more struggling. Hey and I bet they even get free blood stains on them too. Definitely win-win.

But enough delay! On to the questions:

Question 1

Dear Zed,

Do Zombies like The Gilmore Girls?

Well I can't speak for all Zombies, but I can personally answer a resounding YES! One of my favorite things to do is have all my girlfriends come over for a big Gilmore Girl marathon! Once they get inside, I like to lock the door behind them, you know, so no stupid boys can come in and interrupt us while we're watching.

And then once we get into it I like to start a little game. It goes like this:

Anytime Lorelai or Rory drink some coffee I eat someone's brain.

Whenever Lorelai or Rory eat Mallomars or other junk food I eat someone's brain.

When someone speaks in a string of run on sentences I eat someone's brains.


Sadly we usually don't make it more than a couple episodes. Everyone just gets, uh, tired. Speaking of which, I need to round up some more girlfriends.

Question 2

Dear Zed,

Do Zombies have eating disorders?

Sadly, the answer to this very serious question is yes. Eating disorders are no joke. I couldn't tell you how many malnourished Zombies are out there because their lower jaws have been shot off, or most of their teeth are missing or some other human caused calamity.

This is an Epidemic people! Well besides the fact that Zombies were possibly caused by an Epidemic. So please, do what you can to help these poor unfortunate souls. Put down your weapons, unlock your doors, and lean your head ever so slightly to the right.

Thanks!

Keep those questions coming! I'll do my best to get to them all!

askazombie@hotmail.com

Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie!

I've gotten a couple of questions so I thought maybe I would open the floor to some questions. Feel free to ask anything you like and maybe your question will show up here.

Just keep mashing at the keyboard until you get 'askazombie@hotmail.com' to come up and your question will get right to me. It'd help if you put "Ask a Zombie" in the subject line, because while I do like a certain meat in it's own jelly, SPAM is not the one I crave.

Any humans out there can feel free to submit to your inevitable demise and hand over your brains questions as well. Be sure to include your home address, when you like to sleep, where you hide any weapons and the emergency key for your house in your correspondence. So, uh, I can be thorough in my response.

Yep, that's what I'm going with there.

Eat Your Brains: Media Splatter - Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

A little later than indicated, but here it is - the first Media Splatter for your Gray Matter.

The book is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. As best as I can tell it's an historical look how our ancestor zombies tried to eat the brains of a bunch of prim and proper English ninnies. While it can be difficult to get through at times, the pictures and zombie attacks throughout help keep this moving along.

Things to learn from this book:

1. Do not underestimate female humans. Sure they're supposed to be the weaker sex, but you take one for granted as easy picking and you'll find yourself without a head before you know it. Maybe most of them will be nothing more than high-pitched meals, but make sure you handle them with care, at least until you crack that head open.

2. Cauliflower is evil. Beware for traps that may involve cauliflower as brain substitues. This is especially important to you zombies with no eyes and go by feeling your way around. I hope you still have your nose, because we all know nothing smells like fresh brains.

Book bonus:

30 dead ninjas. Yeah, and there are even some pictures of dead ninjas to drool over too!

Ultimately, I can't give this book two thumbs up, well because I'm missing one, but more to the point, the humans survive in this book. That's totally unrealistic. Now if you'll excuse me I have some brains to eat.