Brains?

I am still alive (or undead) just got the humans keeping me on the run. Will re-launch and do updates when I can have time. Thanks for any and all well wishes.

Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie - Vol 3

Got another question from a human this time around. Come on Zombies, I know it's hard to type what with the stiff joints and all, but you can't let all these humans show us up. We're supposed to win the war you know.

Sandler poses the following question:

Do Zombies wear boxers, briefs or panties?


I thought this was a pretty timely question since we just covered
Zombie Fashion in the last post.

Obviously, this varies from zombie to zombie, but I'd say it's a safe bet most of all the lady Zs out there are going to be found wearing panties. As for the fashionable male undead... You might be suprised to find there's a big metrozombial movement with a big push for boxer-briefs. They offer both support and a lower chance for loose fabric snagging, while being much more fashionable than your regular tighty whities. Or undeady reddies, depending on your state of undress and how messy an eater you are.

Zombies can be pretty individualistic when it comes down to it, underneath it all. On the outside we might look like a bunch of the same blood-covered monsters, but somewhere on the inside we might just feel special in our pretty pretty pink panties as we eat your brains.


Be sure to submit your question using the link on the left. I'd suggest refreshing the page that pops up to get a new captcha code. That seems to fix the issue with it saying "wrong code." Until next time!

Eat Your Brains: Duds for Undead

I know there's a burning question out there for all you fashion conscious Zombies out there: What's a trendy undead not to be caught dead wearing out and about.

Well let me provide you with some helpful hints.

First, let me tell you, even though you're a true blue Alpha zombie, you don't want to stand out like one. Sure running around in the buff is a great way to scare the bejesus out of some human you're trying to nosh on, but it's also a great way to get yourself a date with a headshot.

Think of it this way. If you were a human faced with 2 zombies coming at you and one's dressed and the other one's shuffling towards you in all his unglory, which one you gonna shoot first?


So the main key to survival is you don't want to stand out. You want to blend in. Now I'm not saying rush out and attack a army base to get your hands on some camouflage. Sure that's great if you're prowling around the woods, but not so hot in the business district downtown.

Avoid bright and flashy colors, and especially things with a Target store logo on it. The last thing humans need is more encouragement to shoot you.

So stick to the basics: general run of the mill clothing. You aren't going to be on the runway in Paris. You are trying to eat Paris before she runs away.


Now that we've got your look down, let's look at practicality.

Baggy and loose clothes are a big no-no. Sure maybe it was hip to have those baggy pants sagging to your knees when you were human, but now all they're going to do is trip you up when you're chasing dinner.

Nothing is worse than snagging your shirt on some nail sticking out, causing you to lose a meal, or even worse getting you all caught up and losing your head.

Tight clothing is optimal here. Much less chance of it catching on anything and/or slowing you down. OK, not that tight, we already have rigor mortis to worry about stiffing us up without your bulging leather pants doing it as well.

Finally, if you can get your hands on one, a helmet isn't a bad idea, so long as it doesn't draw too much attention to you. Anything that prevents a headshot is a good thing, if it doesn't make you even more of a target.


That's it. Follow these simple rules and you may not be the trendiest Zombie on your block, but like most fads, they'll be gone before you know it.


P.S. You may have noticed this checklist is eerily similar to suggestions on what humans should wear to survive a Zombie invasion. Personally, I think it's cute they're planning way in advance for their eventual unlife.

Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie - Vol 2

This edition of Ask as Zombie comes from Brie (not the cheese) from Wisconsin dairy land. Are we sure she's not the cheese? She asks a food related question:

Hey Zed,

I'm a pretty good cook and I was wondering if there was something else Zombies will eat besides brains that I can use to distract the Zombies from eating my brains, like delicious bacon?


This is an astute collection. And despite opinions to the contrary there is something you can eat to repel Zombies. Now my fellow legions of undead may get angry as I "reveal" the secrets, but I offered to help humans and Zombies alike, so I must do my solemn duty.

Just as the vampire hates garlic, Zombies have a particular abhorrence to a subset of grub: fatty foods. That's right the higher the calories, the more we hate them. You should just eat all the fatty, high carb, low nutrient food stuffs you can get your hands on. Junk food: Hate it!

To be safe, you should constantly be stuffing your gullet with all kinds of fatty foods. And while you're at it, I would quit any kind of exercise program you might be doing it.

Let me tell you that there is nothing that will get rid of Zombies at your door quicker than to see an overweight slow moving out of shape human plodding away from them.

Hope that helps! If you'd like I'd be happy to send some Hostess products your way. Feel free to respond back with your personal address and the times when you're least productive, like sleeping, so I know... when not to come by because I'd hate to be repelled by your lack of energy and not give you delicious cakes. Yeah.


That's it for this edition of "Ask a Zombie", feel free to sent your questions / comments by clicking the Contact link on the left. I've gotten some feedback on the codes not working right when trying to submit. If you have that problem, leave me a comment and I'll work on finding a better solution. In the meantime, I've heard refreshing will eventually get it to work. Until next time!

Eat Your Brains: Media Splatter - Fido

This edition of Media Splatter for your Gray Matter involves one of the scariest things I've ever seen in my entire unlife: Fido



I cannot begin to explain how much this movie freaked me out. I mean the entire premise is based on the fact that the Zombie horde has been surpressed and either locked out of cities or, I can barely bring myself to say it...

Domesticated.

I know! It blew my mind! Well not literally, but that'd be about the only thing I could imagine being worse.

So this family living in the "safe zone" gets a pet zombie and something goes wrong with it's control collar and it kills somebody.

I'm thinking, finally, this is about to get real, but no! It gets FEELINGS for it's human owners. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

I found it hard to even find something to take away from this movie beside all that is wrong with humanity. Domesticated Zombies. I mean really.

I'd almost prefer a bullet in the head. Almost. I guess the thing to take away from this horror flick is that if for some terrible, terrible reason you find yourself in this situation, just bide your time.

Human's always get complacent, you'll get your chance sooner or later. It's not like your going to die. Though I'd rather do that then end up like Tammy the love slave Zombie.

*shudders*

Eat Your Brains: Hate Thy Neighbor

So you've gone and gotten yourself a nice setup going. Plenty of panicky, defenseless humans to grab with tasty brains to eat. And then some other Alpha Zombie moves in on your turf. No big deal right? There's loads gray matter to go round for everyone. But not for this guy, he's constantly hounding your prized old folks home. You were saving that geezer in room 1301 for a special occasion! You've tried reasoning with this guy, but he just won't listen. I mean what's his deal? It's not like he's some mindless, crazed being who's every thought craves brains.

Oh, right...

So you're going to have to take a different approach to rid yourself of this zombie pest. Here are some helpful Do's and Don'ts in your quest:


Do use Chivalry

Chivalry, my friends, is not dead. In fact it is very undead. Be
sure to accompany your unwanted friend when he hunts and do nice things like open the door for him and insist he goes in first. Don't take no for an answer. If all goes well that human on the otherside will unload at the first thing that walks through the door, eliminating your problem, and hopefully the human's ammunition. Win - win.

Don't take matters into your own hands

Zombies are hard enough to kill for humans with all their intact reflexes and whatnot. Beside that, one of the best things about being a Zombie is the fact that you can't feel pain and you're nigh on unstoppable except for a good shot to the noggin. Do you really want to fight someone just as impervious as you are? As tempting as it might be to bump this Zombie nuisance off yourself, it's just bad form, and not that easy to pull off.

Do play practical jokes

This is one of those instances to use a little something we learned
from our first Media Splatter Sprinkle a few heads of Cauliflower over in that field near the military base and then groan about all the free brains littered about nearby. Let your friend go be all he can be all over the field

Don't alert the authorities

As tempting as it might be to set off that burgler alarm while your Zombie nemesis is inside that big old house, bringing a load of armed people to your vicinity is never a good idea. Sure maybe he gets his in the end, but you might get yours in the head.

Hopefully, your run-ins with this situation will be few and far between, after all we need to remember who the real enemy is here: humans with helmets.

Eat Your Brains: Site Update!

To make it a bit easier for you to get in touch with me I've added a handy "Contact Me" thing over on the right side under the archives.

Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie - Vol 1

It's time for Ask a Zombie!

Got my first questions today from "scarfmonsters". I'm not sure if that means they're monsters that wear scarves or eat scarves. Either way, I think a good partnership could be worked out here. They could grab humans by their scarves and hold them still while I eat their brains.

Then they can do whatever sick and twisted (and probably gross) thing they do to scarves with no more struggling. Hey and I bet they even get free blood stains on them too. Definitely win-win.

But enough delay! On to the questions:

Question 1

Dear Zed,

Do Zombies like The Gilmore Girls?

Well I can't speak for all Zombies, but I can personally answer a resounding YES! One of my favorite things to do is have all my girlfriends come over for a big Gilmore Girl marathon! Once they get inside, I like to lock the door behind them, you know, so no stupid boys can come in and interrupt us while we're watching.

And then once we get into it I like to start a little game. It goes like this:

Anytime Lorelai or Rory drink some coffee I eat someone's brain.

Whenever Lorelai or Rory eat Mallomars or other junk food I eat someone's brain.

When someone speaks in a string of run on sentences I eat someone's brains.


Sadly we usually don't make it more than a couple episodes. Everyone just gets, uh, tired. Speaking of which, I need to round up some more girlfriends.

Question 2

Dear Zed,

Do Zombies have eating disorders?

Sadly, the answer to this very serious question is yes. Eating disorders are no joke. I couldn't tell you how many malnourished Zombies are out there because their lower jaws have been shot off, or most of their teeth are missing or some other human caused calamity.

This is an Epidemic people! Well besides the fact that Zombies were possibly caused by an Epidemic. So please, do what you can to help these poor unfortunate souls. Put down your weapons, unlock your doors, and lean your head ever so slightly to the right.

Thanks!

Keep those questions coming! I'll do my best to get to them all!

askazombie@hotmail.com

Eat Your Brains: Ask a Zombie!

I've gotten a couple of questions so I thought maybe I would open the floor to some questions. Feel free to ask anything you like and maybe your question will show up here.

Just keep mashing at the keyboard until you get 'askazombie@hotmail.com' to come up and your question will get right to me. It'd help if you put "Ask a Zombie" in the subject line, because while I do like a certain meat in it's own jelly, SPAM is not the one I crave.

Any humans out there can feel free to submit to your inevitable demise and hand over your brains questions as well. Be sure to include your home address, when you like to sleep, where you hide any weapons and the emergency key for your house in your correspondence. So, uh, I can be thorough in my response.

Yep, that's what I'm going with there.

Eat Your Brains: Media Splatter - Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

A little later than indicated, but here it is - the first Media Splatter for your Gray Matter.

The book is Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. As best as I can tell it's an historical look how our ancestor zombies tried to eat the brains of a bunch of prim and proper English ninnies. While it can be difficult to get through at times, the pictures and zombie attacks throughout help keep this moving along.

Things to learn from this book:

1. Do not underestimate female humans. Sure they're supposed to be the weaker sex, but you take one for granted as easy picking and you'll find yourself without a head before you know it. Maybe most of them will be nothing more than high-pitched meals, but make sure you handle them with care, at least until you crack that head open.

2. Cauliflower is evil. Beware for traps that may involve cauliflower as brain substitues. This is especially important to you zombies with no eyes and go by feeling your way around. I hope you still have your nose, because we all know nothing smells like fresh brains.

Book bonus:

30 dead ninjas. Yeah, and there are even some pictures of dead ninjas to drool over too!

Ultimately, I can't give this book two thumbs up, well because I'm missing one, but more to the point, the humans survive in this book. That's totally unrealistic. Now if you'll excuse me I have some brains to eat.

Eat Your Brains: Coming Soon - Media Splatter for your Gray Matter

In order to make sure you are the best prepared Zombies out there and to ensure you're there at the Apocalypse happily eating brains with the rest of us; I will occasionally review various forms of human media and discuss what it can teach us in the way of things to do and not to do as a well tuned brain eating machine.

Look for the first installment soon!

(Yes, this will involve the box that you can't figure out how to get the tasty humans out of.)

I also fixed it so you can make comments now. So feel free.

Eat Your Brains: Un(dead)employment Office

So what's a Zombie to do to pass the time until the rest of the Zombie horde rises up and takes over the world? You'd rather not draw too much attention to yourself, lest you attract the attention of those ne'er-do-well hunters who'd be happy to put a bullet in your brain.

Surprisingly, the best way to hide amongst humans is to be around them where they are the most like humans: the Workplace!

I will cover several of the best jobs to hide in plain sight below:

1. Supermodel

Pros: Where better to hang out in public than surrounded by people who practically look like they're one of us already. No one in these circles is going to question your "new diet fad."

Cons: The potential for finding a decent meal at your place of work is going to be very slim.

2. Morgue Technician

Pros: No worries about taking your work home with you. Get the opportunity to blend in with the clientelle if things get a bit dodgy. Prankster Zombies can turn hiding in one of the corpse lockers from "Hahahaha You got me Frank!" into "AHHHHHH! You got me Frank!" at a moments notice.

Cons: You put yourself way to close to getting in a pine box, via an honest mistake or a bullet in the head.

3. Lab Assistant/Specimen

Pros: You don't feel pain, so no matter what they do to you, it won't hurt. If you're really lucky you'll get a crazed scientist who'll feed you without the hassle of having to go out hunting for youself and who knows maybe you'll get to become some kind of super zombie mutant. Also, everyone knows these science labs always go south at some point. Someone will slip up and it's high quality brains galore. Be sure to take care of your leftovers.

Cons: There's a high chance some loon with a firearm will be there too, just in case things get to be too much "fun." Can't have the Apocalypse happening on his watch. Jerk.


Well there you have it, some high and low profile ways to get out there and blend in with the masses, at least until we can make them masses of zombies.

Eat Your Brains: Mmm... Leftovers...

So you've gone out and done your Zombie thing and wreaked havoc at the old folks home. Congratulations and Bon(e) Appétit!

But wait, even after engorging yourself on eating brains to your heart's content you find you still have some left over. If you've decided you don't want to go the "friends" route, you're going to need to find a way to take your brains with you.

Seeing as you probably can't expect a tupperware salesman to come knocking on your door (more than once if you're on top of things, mainly on top of him, chowing down, making more leftovers) you're going to need to take a survey of what you have around you.

We have to admit Zombie motor skills are iffy at best, so anything above simple containers is out. You could try your pockets, but those are probably ripped, and who wants other Zombie's coming along sniffing at your pockets? I mean really.

We're going to have to get creative. Where better to keep extra brains than precisely where they'll end up anyways: inside you. Let's be honest, I don't think you even used that spleen when you were human, so you definately do need it when your the walking dead. Rip that sucker out and shove those tasty brains in there for later.

Now if we're trying to keep it as simple as possible, let's not forget that brains already come in a pretty handy carrying case. It's just getting it separated from the pesky human's body. If you succeed in detaching the head, way to go! You've got the perfect accessory for a Zombie on the go, meandering aimlessly, groaning your delight at having a spare brain in the palm of you hand.

Of course, make sure you don't wait too long to finish up your meal. You don't want it spoiling, or worse turning. The last thing you need is another mouth to feed. Or head technically. But I guess that might help with all those leftovers...

Eat Your Brains: Livingly Challenged...

I am sad to say some Zombies do not pass over into life as undead "intact". Whereas some of the lucky ones just get a small nibble and go on their merry little way with all their limbs attached, others often aren't quite so lucky.

Generally, it comes down to you missing appendage or another. But don't fret, I've got some advice for you that won't cost you that missing arm or leg.

Legs:

The really positive thing here is that for the most part, humans already had the ability to out run you. You haven't lost much in that regard, just a couple of steps on them, or 3... or 4... or all of them really. But not all hope is lost. The great thing about being undead and missing pieces is that you look more dead than normal! Sure you can't just hop up and chase some tasty brains down, but you *can* just lay there and wait for them to unsuspectingly meander by that already dead "body." Feel free to surround yourself with a pool of blood for effect and let the ankle biting begin!

Honestly, having no legs is every lazy Zombie's dream.

Arms:

Having no arms is a bit of a drag (whereas having no feet involves getting dragged), just concentrate on constantly operating your choppers and keeping your balance. If you go down with no arms, you might have to rely on the no legs strategy for a while. Missing one arm presents numerous opportunities. Not the least of which is using your own arm as a weapon. Nothing is more disheartening to a soon to be eaten human than getting pummeled with one your detached body parts. Unless of course it's getting pummeled with one of his detached body parts.

Either way, regardless of what limbs you may or may not have, you too can become a successful brain chomper. Just don't go out there and lose your head.

Eat Your Brains: We get by with a little help...

As delicious as it sounds to keep all the brains you come by for yourself, I'm afraid there may not be that many if you go it alone. Especially if you run across a group of humans. There is strength in numbers.

So while I know it may be hard to keep from chowing on all that available gray matter, try to remember leave a couple with just a bite or two so you can get a group of followers to help you out.

What can you do with a bunch of Zombie followers besides have to share your brains with them? Having extra undead around provides many advantages.

First, remember the 'Back them into a corner' strategy I mentioned in the previous post? That goes much smoother with extra warm, well cold, bodies helping with the herding.

And let's suppose you run into some nasty humans that have gone and armed themselves. All those friends you've made can go scout ahead and check if the coast is clear and be especially helpful in relieving your prey of its ammo.

I'm not saying I want to use our brethren as moving targets exclusively. I mean we all want our side to win this thing. We can remember our fallen comrades by using broken appendages as blunt instruments to subdue those that fell them.

Personally, I'm always looking for new followers. And I know what I just said about using other zombies as meat shields, but I would never ever do that to any of my companions.

Say, would you mind standing just a couple steps to the left, yes right there between me and that house over there. Perfect!

Eat Your Brains: A brain is a terrible thing to waste...

So I'm sure you're thinking: Man am I hungry, Zed! And who could blame you, you've got an eternity's worth of appetite to fill. But what is the best way to get at what you most desire?

Brains.

This doesn't have to be a complicated process, just find a human and start chewing. I find the best direction of assault is from behind, so they don't see you shuffling aimlessly their way. Once you've found said victim there are several ways to get at that gray stuff you all know and love.


1. Headshot (not the bad kind). If you've retained some of your fine motor skills feel free to use a blunt or edged implement to get right to the heart (or the brain) of the matter. Nothing gets you to dinner quicker than a sudden blow to a human's head.

2. Back them into a corner. If you (and your zombie friends if you're hosting a dinner party or the like) have to take the frontal approach to frontal lobe treats, it's always good to surround your prey with impending doom. Once all hope is lost for them, feeding time is found for you.

3. Take 'em down. One of the most pesky things about humans is their ability to out run you if you're of the slow moving variety of Zombies. So the best thing to do is take them by surprise (from behind!) and get them on the ground. Once you get them horizontal, you take away their best defense and get to go on the offense.

Now that you've got your brain, you may think which is the best part of the brain to eat? The medula oblongata? Perhaps the pons or the brain stem? Frontal lobe the way to go? I've provided a diagram to lead you in the right direction for this quandry.

Fig. 1:




So there you go. Just remember, "When your teeth hit bone, you're halfway home!"

Eat Your Brains: So you've gone and gotten yourself bitten...

Let me be the first to say.. Congrats! You're going to be on the winning end of this whole "last battle" thing. Of course what's left of the other side isn't going to just roll over and die, well not without help from us.

Now wait, why the glum face? Careful or it'll get stuck like that. I know I'm not your mom, but seriously: Rigormortis. You can't strike fear into the heart of all those delicious humans with that dour expression.

Quit acting like it's the end of the world! Well... I mean, technically it is kind of the end of the world, or will be soon, once everyone else is turned or better yet eaten. But I'm getting ahead of myself, things are just beginning for you. So chin up Zombie!

Oh no, not really, you don't want to get stuck like that. Remember - Rigormortis. Yikes.